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The Worst of Bollywood

There is already a list of The Best of Bollywood 2009 by Sahil Rizwan. So, for this reason, and also because I enjoy making fun of things more than I enjoy singing songs of praise, I will give a list of the worst Bollywood movies ever (not restricted to 2009). Oh, A small disclaimer – This is purely my opinion. Not conducted any survey or anything of that sort, although if it had been conducted, I am sure the results would have been the same.

Buddha Mar Gaya

Buddha Mar GayaThis is the first movie that comes to my mind. Don’t ask! I spent more than three hours watching this movie, supposed to be a comedy. My only consolation was that I did not spend money on it (thanks to the newspaper reviews), but watched it at home.

The movie begins with a statutory warning: “You will die laughing”, but fails to make us smile, leave alone making us even utter a “Ha!”. The story is about construction magnate LK who dies of a heart attack during intercourse with an aspiring actress, just two days before the closing of a big deal (or something like that. I don’t really understand the technicalities.). The family, consisting of two spinster sisters and two sons, wants have their share in the deal. So on the advice of their family Baba, they decide to hide his death from the public for two days till the company shares are sold. A series of supposedly comic events unfold.

Everything from the dialogues to screenplay to acting is amateur (even that is a feeble word to describe it). Everyone is loud, with Rakhi Sawant being the loudest. Puke-inducing portrayals of homosexual men (including the Baba), incest, and the worst performances by Om Puri (Baba), Paresh Rawal (who plays an inquisitive servant) and Anupam Kher (who plays a dead body), not to mention Hindi swear words thrown in for good measure, make it the worst of the worst movies!

This movie forgets that there is a fine line dividing the funny and the downright vulgar.

Love Story 2050

Love Story 2050Perhaps the biggest disappointment of Bollywood. The trailers were so super-cool that you could not wait till the movie was released. And right from the first scene you hate Harman Baweja’s overdoing of dialogues, Priyanka Chopra’s fake smiles, giggles and blushes, and the complete lack of chemistry between the duo who are supposed to be real-life lovers. Plus, this time I did waste money on it!

The movie is a soppy love story. Seriously, aren’t we past the era when heroes would utter dialogues like, “I don’t need luck. I have love!”? I felt like throwing up when I heard that dialogue. The story is simple. Boy meets girl in 2008. They go to a scientist uncle’s place (who looks like Einstein), where the uncle has invented a time machine. The girl expresses her desire to go to 2050, but the machine simply does not work. Then the girl dies while crossing the road to get ice cream. The boy feels that the girl is reborn in 2050 and with the help of the machine, which is now working, he enters 2050, full of robots and flying cars, and people wearing clothes fit for a fancy dress competition. The boy finds the girl, who is a pop star with red hair and wears head-dresses and accessories that look more or less like the equipment used by bike mechanics these days. Oddly enough, the boy is normally dressed. The movie might have been nice, if things had not been so overdone. Oh and also it was too long. I got cramps from sitting too long.

But to be fair to the actors, there was one among them who stole the show and managed to raise a few laughs, and gain some of the audience’s affection, who were otherwise just gorging on popcorn (like me), or simply leaving the hall. This actor was Boo, the pet teddy-robot of the red-haired popstar. Boo deserves an award, at least for trying to raise a ship that was sinking from the start.

MP3 – Mera Pehla Pehla Pyar

MP3 mera pehla pehla pyaarOK. I know there are many teenagers who will defend this movie. But I did not like the movie one bit, not even the title. Mera Pehla Pehla Pyar? What does that mean? He has a doosra, teesra, etc pyars too?

The movie stars Ruslaan Mumtaz and Hazel in the lead pair. Both gifted with good looks and no talent. To be fair, Ruslaan’s acting was convincing enough, but Hazel was a failure right from the scene she was introduced in. Fake smile, fake frown, a continuous lost look, and slow, accentuated Hindi. Coming to the story, there was none. The movie was three hours of pranks in school and such stuff. Again boy meets girl, both fall in love have crushes on one another. I’m sure the director wanted to portray them as being in love, but he might have forgotten that love means being able to share fart jokes together, and not just smiling soppily into each other’s faces and not saying a word. There are hardly any dialogues between the lead pair. Then after a fight between the two, the girl goes to Paris, the boy realises his mistake, fakes his visa and follows her. The movie ends in a lip-lock between the two standing under the Eiffel Tower. Then it shifts to the Hero coming on the screen and narrating how it was his first kiss and his first love. I don’t remember his exact dialogues, but I remember that he gave an indication (albeit smiling) that the love did not end up in an everlasting relationship. Bound to,  if neither speaks to the other, right?

Saawariya

SaawariyaAha! Another big disappointment. Maybe because I watched it the very next day of watching Om Shanti Om, which had a lot of pace and action and mystery than Saawariya. I don’t think I need to tell much about this movie

Even the hype generated by Ranbir’s towel dance failed to impress the audience. Sonam Kapoor had everything artificial about her, laugh, smile, fear. She hardly had any dialogues to her, which resulted in Ranbir talking non-stop throughout the movie, making him a tad bit irritating. The story is again of a boy meeting a girl, who already has a lover, who has gone on some unknown journey, promising to return to her. Boy tries to impress her throughout the movie. When he finally wins her over, the lost lover returns to reclaim his love.

Well there were a few good things about this movie though. The imaginary city, always in night, cast in a purple blanket was beautiful. So was Rani Mukherjee, who played a woman of the oldest profession with grace.

Dostana

DostanaI am sure people are going to protest here. After all, everyone liked Dostana. Well, not me. The acting was overdone, and heavily too. Abhishek Bachan and John Abraham looked good together, but were too “camp” for my liking. Priyanka Chopra looked glamorous (for once) and also pulled off a great performance.

The story is about (Why am I wasting time? Everyone knows it!) two straight men pretending to be gay so that they can share a flat with sexy lady Priyanka Chopra. There are too many twists and turns. How they try to win her love, and how she finds someone else. The story was good. The acting was not. The jokes were even worse. Seriously, would a mother present kangan to her gay son’s boyfriend? And Abhishek Bachan running around trees like a girl is just too.. well, gay to watch! The kissing scene and other scenes in dressing rooms were gross. Again, the line between the funny and the vulgar was crossed.

All that said, Dostana can be credited with getting a tabooed topic out in the open, in classrooms, offices, and even schools.

These are only five of the worst Bollywood movies. There are more, I am sure. Do mention them in the comments. Any movie that you have hated?

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6 Responses

  1. You’re choice sucks man. Like really.

    • Gee thanks.. But I still wish that you could actually READ the title (at least), and (if possible) the contents, of the post before commenting.. I never mentioned my choice! I gave a list of my.. uhh.. “not-choice” or whatever.

      But even then, I have to agree with you. My choice does suck real bad!

  2. Hi Mubashir Ahmed ! Your blog is nice and different. We are supposed to laugh at the pranks of the actors. I pity them for their stupid acting and pity myself for taking time to see the movie. Wish you all the best.

  3. Mobi can definitely dnace and is soon going to be psuh other critics to put on their dancing shoes, if they don’t get their act, oops, review right.

    Have just seen Love 2050 – My kid (aaargh) loved and we had to watch it.

    Dostana – my hubby was not aware of the story and took my son to watch it. What a nasty and unbecoming education for the then 11 year old. Bobby deol looked so out of place and using a five year old to win a baby – pathetic.

    • Whoops Thanks 4 commenting.. And I’m not a critic, no.. Critics probably think how people will react to a movie, which I do not.. I just think about how I react to anything, and based upon that only I rate it. :-|

      When I was watching Love Story 2050, even the kids in the hall were restless. They didn’t like it.

      As for Dostana, I should have posted it at that time. Ur hubby might’ve been a bit more educated…