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Sublimating the Sex Drive..

kahurahoAs we grow up, we face lot of growing up issues. Some of them we would share with parents. Some of them we would share with friends. Some of them we won’t share with anyone.

I have faced such issues in my life.

One such issue that I had faced during my growing up times was sex drive. It is a common issue that I know all growing up males (probably females too) face.

I would call it the agony of coming to terms with adulthood. It is an agony that comes out of sexual feelings, fantasies and some cases sex drive. The issues of sexual feelings, fantasies and sex drive cannot be discussed with parents and teachers. Some may discuss them with friends, but that would only add more agony.

Very often people in the adolescent age are left without help on coming to terms with these sexual feelings, fantasies and sex drives. This blog is to help such people.

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I have read, learnt, used and experienced different methods to regulate my sex drive in such a way that it aided my personality development. I had used it to cultivate balanced thinking.

This blog is about the methods I used to regulate myself to control sex drive.

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Devils wake up when we are alone

At the start of my adolescent age, when these sexual feelings and drives took over, I was a tormented lot. I could not share it with anyone, as I could either be condemned or ridiculed. I understood that they gain on me mostly when I am alone. So I would try not to remain alone at home, even if I have a lot of work to do alone.

If possible I would take out a bi-cycle ride. Or visit a friend’s house (who is not alone). Or schedule a visit to temple (or a playground/gym) if possible. This habit encouraged me to interact and spend more time with a group of people.

I learnt how to be happy not only for myself, but for my group also. I learnt to be happy for achievements of my group, instead of feeling jealous. I learnt to compete with friends in my group and at the same time appreciate if they turn out winners.

More important in later years, I understood, peace of mind is possible in a competitive world, only when you are able to be happy for yours and others achievements as well. We need to compete vigorously, but accept defeats and share the happiness of the victor. It is a vital part of team working.

I have also seen loners. I have seen them seeking pleasures for themselves and in themselves. They would find it difficult to compete in a friendly way. And they don’t have peace of mind.

Ofcourse it is impossible to escape loneliness always. Hence the next section.

Give work to the devils of your mind

Art – our permanent companion

It is very important that parents ensure their kids learn some art during the growing up days, if they can afford it. It could be vocal or instrumental music, drawing, painting etc.

If you know some music, either it is vocal or instrumental, I would suggest you immediately start practicing it, when you are alone. You need not have to think of what to draw or recite. Just start it with what you know, repeat what you already did, with the aim of doing it better this time than anytime ever.

A musical or artistic exercise of 30 minutes, when we are alone and our mind wanders,  is enough to calm us down and bring us back to our work. Though it is a case of individualistic pleasure, when we become both the performer and audience, our mind gets enough work to do.

At times my mind will start wandering and develop sexual feelings. It will enjoy that pain of the pleasure when my nerves get excited and remain in that state for long time. The moment it starts, I used to move to my garden and engage in clay pottery. I did not learn clay pottery professionally. But I used to make dolls, burn them myself and paint them. Over a period I improved and won a lot of appreciation for my work. I used to set imaginary objectives for myself and create an imaginary drive on my own.

Religion – our soul companion

There are many not-so-fortunate of us, who for some reason will find it difficult to engage in artistic pursuits while alone. I always advise them to learn and recite a sloka for 15-20 minutes.

Forget about if Slokas are powerful or divine. Something like Vishnu Sahasranama that can take a hour to recite is very ideal in such cases. In fact some of my friends used to hear Vishnu Sahasranama cassette and learn from the cassette, when they are alone. Or it could be recitation of Bible, Koran, Lalitha Sahasranama, Bhagavat Gita or just about anything that has some need to be recited and some value is seen in learning it.

Even if you don’t believe in the sanctity of above mentioned scriptures, there are enough people in the world who believe in them and hence what we learn has a definite market value. So do not worry about doing something stupid. Even an atheist or nihilist can do it.

Meditation with open eyes – Mantra Japa

If a person finds it difficult to learn and recite such long slokas and verses (let’s say the person finds it boring), then I suggest that he/she recites the following short mantra 108 times. This is a form of what is called Mantra Japa.

Aum
Tryambakam Yajamahe
Sugandhim Pushtivardhanam
Uruvaa ruka miva Bandhanan-
Mrtyor Mokshiya Mamritat

[ This mantra simply means “We  seek to be liberated from death and mortality like the fruit of a cucumber (liberating itself) from the Trinity that nourishes and grows us”]

For that matter anything one recites for 108 times focussedly like above, mind will relax down. I wrote the above mantra, as I have done it and have relaxed my mind using it. There is a scientific logic to any Japa. I will explain it somewhere else. The mantra could be even “Om Nama Shivaya” or simply a phrase like “From here to There”

  1. Sit ordinarily in any posture you want.
  2. Recite this sloka 108 times.
  3. Really count 108 times, with lines in your right hand fingers.
  4. Using the thumb finger as the pointer and lines in other fingers as the actual counts, we can count 12 in a hand, starting from little finger and moving up and down to the index finger.
  5. Try to repeat it 9 times.
  6. Take it as a challenge if you are able to repeat this sloka 108 times this way, not one more, not one less, but counting of perfect 108 just in one hand, without actually counting.

That is important. Your mind will definitely relax.  In fact the above can be done anywhere, anytime, even with open eyes.

When you have finished counting 108 times, reciting this mantra, all your loneliness, sexual feelings would have gone. Your mind would have got leveled and balanced. You can immediately go back to work at hand.

Listening to Music

One can also hear music as a diversionary mechanism. But after sometime we will get bored of music, as we are not focusing our mind to learn it. But if you are a musician, even learning music is fine to divert the mind.

The key is to give work to our mind in learning something and not allow it to run free.

Desires  – Our Servants and not Masters

In general, in life, it is important that we learn to deploy our desires as our servants. This is the most important part of my suggestion to all youngsters who are growing up.

Most of us don’t know that desires are our servants and we need to use them to get our work done. Instead we become servants to our desires. We think desires are our cruel masters and look for ways of getting rid of our masters.

This is how the whole spirituality business is born. We seek to liberate ourselves from our painful desires and approach spiritual gurus.

But let me put it clearly. Nobody in this world can liberate anybody else from bondage. No spiritual guru can liberate you from desires of your mind.

Because there is no need of liberation from our desires. Actually desires are our servants.  We need to know how to use them.  We are foolishly treating them as our masters and then trying for an imaginary freedom from them.

The best way to employ desires as our servants is to establish the control of our mind over these desires. To establish control we need to keep our mind balanced. To keep mind balanced, we need to suppress its ego level.

There are various techniques that have been used to keep ourselves balanced as propagated by our ancestors.  Since we lost all the reasons behind them, we think of them lowly.

Techniques to feel surrendered

I list them here. But all of them require we spend 30 minutes a day on them. Any one of the following technique could be used. The objective of these techniques is to feel surrendered completely for 30 minutes in a day.

  1. Spending 30 minutes in procedures such as Sandya Vandan, Gayatri, Pranayama but not in a ritualistic mode. One needs to understand it and do it, which is very difficult currently.
  2. Daily Pooja for 30 minutes a day on our favorite diety or God, wholeheartedly, sincerely. Or it could be a focused prayer for 30 minutes in any faith. In a pooja the actions performed are simple and one can easily concentrate and follow the work.
  3. Reciting some sloka for 30 minutes a day on a diety that you have faith. One can read Bible, Koran, Gita, Granth for 30 minutes depending on the faith of that person. Or perform a mantra japa for 25-20 minutes as described in the previous section.
  4. 30 minutes of Transcendental meditation or Sahaja Yoga etc
  5. 30 minutes of Yoga Asanas. But these Yoga Asanas should be done in synchronization with mind and not as explained in TV as a mere physical exercise. Probably Yoga Asanas need to be learnt from a person who teaches it completely as functions of both body and mind.
  6. 30 minutes of daily walk or Gym work-out, but keeping the mind focused on some particular issue (combined with some sloka recitation or focused hearing of soothing, calming music).

Any one of the above can be practiced for 30 minutes a day atleast. The idea is to concentrate our mind on some specific work for 30 minutes, that gives us psychological comfort, where we feel like kids, safe under the protection of our parents.

Where we feel completely surrendered, taken care, protected, safe, healthy and hence feel happy. Spend time like this atleast for 30 minutes in a day.

Anyone who spends 30 minutes a day surrendering himself totally will feel balanced and negative ego moderated to some extent.

Logic for surrender

As Sivananda used to say, our body is like a tree with two birds. One bird eats, drinks, makes merry, cries, fears etc. The other bird is detached from all this and simply keeps watching the first bird going through all these emotions. In most of us, the other bird is hidden from our consciousness.

The other bird is present in every tree of us. It directs us from deep inside and helps us to evolve further and further, with higher and higher intelligence. But the pain and pleasure of our evolution is not taken by it. It is taken by the first bird, which Sivananda calls Jiva, while the other bird simply directs it.

When we are surrendering ourselves everyday for 30 minutes, we are bringing the other hidden bird up in our consciousness level. That is all.  Once this other bird comes up in our mental plane, it knows how to control our desires, as we will pass on the control to this other hidden bird.

As we surrender more and more, our one side ego gets lower and lower. Our acceptance to the events around us becomes more and more. We learn to accept and then rebel, instead of just rebelling against.  Once we accept, we will not burn ourselves. We will stop giving instantaneous knee-jerk reactions.

We become more and more mature and balanced. Once this maturity sets in, we will have peace of mind. We can direct our desires according to our situation. We know when to set them off and when to stop them.

The desire could be desires of body or mind including anger, jealousy, fear, sorrow, sex and even orgasm. We can run them up to the edge, stop at the edge, play there for sometime and roll back at our wish.

Conclusion

Frankly I used my sex drive to further my creativity. I didn’t become a great artist in pottery, but then it led me to greater creative passions. It opened up lot of other creative channels in me.

I use the mantra Japa technique at any place to calm myself down and find my balance. It helps me to soothen out my highs and lows of emotions. It is actually a form of meditation that can be practiced anywhere, even without closing the eyes.

I spend some 30 minutes in Japa and Pooja almost daily. I am not a great ritual exponent. Still I consider this time that I spend, where I feel surrendered, as an investment to control my desires and get the work I need out of them.

There are a lot of people who won’t need all this. These things would come naturally to them. They may be spending their 30 minutes of surrender without them knowing about it explicitly. It could be in their job, in the family, in social service or in other relationships.

To those who say sublimating sex drive is not required and this whole blog is a waste of time,  I have this point to offer.

I think a couple have to explore and understand sex between them in a manner unique to themselves. For sex is not about stimulations, ejaculations and orgasm of one side. It is about communication of love between two bodies in such a way they satisfy each and other make each other to be content.  Towards that end, control of our desires is extremely important.

-TBT

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84 Responses

  1. ahmed,
    “all ppl should be heterosexual.if ur homosexual it means ur sick and u need checkup ,tats y no1 looks at ur massage.okay”

    By passing your comments, you show what an ignorant fool u are. Ignorant dogmatic bigot homophobes like you are nothing better than the misogynists. If u r so concerned abt homosexuality problem, pray to ur allah not to give birth to homosexual kids, but dont speak ill of the gays in this world-it’s not their fault ok?
    And what checkup u suggesting? All gays who go for checkup are advised by doctors to accept they r born like that. There is no medicine to cure it ok?

  2. ashok kumar pavani &mubashir ahmed hav written well atleast they are not making ppl fight .plz next time dont write such thing .i know u hav written this to get comments

  3. Ever since I was kid, I remember being sexually aroused by both male as well as female bodies. I get hyper-sexual on seeing almost anything sexual.I have been bisexual from birth though I have never had any sex with anyone. But that doesnt mean I have sick brain?
    I am a manager in a MNC organization. My brain is more than the average genius except in the sexual affinity. People who call LGBs as having sick brains should he hanged.

  4. AHMED,
    by saying GLBs have sick brains, u r cursing ur allah of quran or our Hindu God.
    GLBTs as well as normal ppl both are given birth by woman, so why they r discriminated from normal ppl?
    Mind wat u say,if u say they hve sick brains, then u indirectly mean all ppl have homosexual tendencies as all ppl hve tendency 2 become sick brained. is this wat u mean?

    • all ppl should be heterosexual.if ur homosexual it means ur sick and u need checkup ,tats y no1 looks at ur massage.okay

  5. ahmed,
    gays have to change bcoz they cant at all b happy in same sex relation, their fantasies make them think they will, but actually they cant be happy this way. I have heard n read that gay relationships are fickle and fragile, and homosexuals are very promiscuous bcoz they hardly desire a single partner.
    even if government amends rules in their favour, they hve 2 change to make themselves happy.
    But that at all does not mean that homosexuals are having sick brains- it is just that circumstances have brought about their feelings in adolescence. Proper counseling hence can help a lot rather than supporting of indulgence.

  6. Many people with high or abnormal sex drives actually have no problem with their hormonal balance or anything. It is just that they canot think differently and their mind keeps thinking about sex round the clock.
    If the mind is able to enjoy other things more than sex and erotic things, it can easily divert itself from the sexual frontiers so that there could be a perfect pure life. But that is difficult for many who lack activities in life. For them, pujas and slokas can be of immense help to help the mind keep busy. Do you agree, TheThnkBig?

  7. Hey guyz, why r u all so obsessed with gay issue here? This article is to control sex drive, whatever it is( homosexual or straight anythn). And who said LGBTs are mentally sick? It is so untrue. They r a type of victim of social abuse, who have been teased and tormented by their same gender peers in childhood.If society does injustice to them when they are innocent child, why the same society wants 2 send them to mental hospital when they develop same-sex desire of love?
    I this article,I liked the idea of sloka reciting n also logic of surrender. I think as Jalwa said, veg items do reduce chances of both obesity as well as sexual obsessions due to lower intake of carbohydrates. I also think strong bevrages like coffee or soda should be avoided because they increase the nerve stimulations.

  8. I dont see any reason why LGBTs should think of themselves as mentally challenged. Many of them are exceptionally brilliant in fields of fashion,art,commerce,science and engineering. Their super-ego drive makes them act superior to other people.
    If LGBs use their energy of sex drive for useful purposes, they can be more efficient than us heterosexuals. Above 80% of Hollywood is gay,and much the same goes with many Bollywood biggies in closet.
    I request ppl to stop making lewd comments without knowing facts.
    The above article is about control of sexual desires, both homo as well as hetero and not to criticize people based on their private feeligs and fantasies.

  9. TheThnkBig, my wife has never really been open to me. She acts like a dominist always and seems to hate men. She is always distant from me.It is beyond doubt that she has relation with her friend bcoz I hve heard her speaking for long hours with her at night in cell in secret. Normal friends never do that.
    Besides, women who work and do masculine jobs usually have lesbian tendencies.

  10. Ahmed,
    U havent understood what I said in the last explanation. I never said u wanted sex in childhood, nobody ever does that. I said u wanted love n approval.
    I advise u to read the paragraph again n again b4 making stupid ignorant comments.
    Religion is 1 thing u have to follow to be civilized. But accepting a fact is different and the fact is God by genes or environmental aspects, makes many ppl have homosexual feelings. If u opposing this and calling them mentally sick, u r opposing ur own Prophet n His creations, so u cant be religious.
    I never said genetic factors alone make a person gay, but they increase the chances of having homosexual feelings especially when they are deprived of same-sex love in childhood. And I never said adultery should be allowed. I just said the problem should be tackled through therapy.

    • excuse me!1 now about islam then speak .prophet mohammed (salalahu alyhi wassalam)(peace be upon him):-said shame on those males and females who lie naked beside each other in a blanket.(to say male to male)(female to female).moreover keep ur self shut about religion specialy wen u don know nething abt it.from quran chapter 7 verse 81:-and we sent lut when he said to his ppl “verily u approach men lustfully beside women .u are indeed a ppl whp transgress all modesty”
      got information abt islam .wat ever i dont tink ur idea of therapy will work bcoz govt is amending rules in favour of them.if thers no pressure on them y will they change???

    • if i dont called a rapist a rapist shall i call him a gentle man and honour him.the thing is we have to put pressure on them if not they want change

  11. Dear Divya,

    The slokas could be anything that you think is simple recite. It could be simply “OM nama shivaya” or “OM Namo narayana” or just about anything. I took example of a bit long sloka as it gave me good time.

    -TBT

  12. Dear Manish,

    I don’t know what this learning is..? Is it your doubt or imagination..? Is she active with you in everyway..? Does she love you..? If yes is the answer, then don’t jump to conclusions. She may have a good friend in her ex-college mate.

    Check if you have been her good friend from the time of your marriage..? Most females look for good friendship (equal) with their husband. Most husbands take wife for granted after marriage. They don’t give the same importance they gave before marriage.

    Hence women seek friendships outside their marriage. Most women end up getting female friends. But that is not lesbianism.

    Many a times in this corrupt world females friendships can be castigated as lesbianism.

    -TBT

  13. I daily do the Ramdev yoga exercises which I have seen in TV. This has given me more peace of mind and also I don’t think I feel very horny these days. I am bisexual girl but now my lust for women has gone down considerably.
    I also listen to cool music to stay relaxed. But how hard I try, I am not able to learn by heart the slokas. Can u suggest a way out to learn slokas quicky,ThnkBig?

  14. Ever since I stopped eating chilly food items and chicken stuff, my sex drive has been a lot reduced even though I don’t exercise regularly. I think mirchi keeps us hot from inside and we wish to cool it through sexiual acts like masterbation etc. Am I right, theThnkBig?

  15. Recently I learnt my wife is having an affair with her ex-college female mate regularly. I love her very much and don’t want to leave her.
    Can u suggest me some methods, TheThnkBig?

  16. I thnk ur methods r excellent but only for heterosexual ppl who are only hungry for sex.
    But what of the roughly 10-15% homosexual ppl in the country who want much more than just sex? They want love,approval and affection from same gender which they hve not got in life. Can mantra japa fill this mental void?

  17. My lesbo fantasies r not going away how hard I m trying. I wish I were boy yet god made me like this with a woman body. Do u support God for doing this 2 me, TheThnkBig?

  18. ahmed,
    While I don’t want to comment on the strict religion you follow, I want to clarify that you are too biased in your views of sexual orientation.
    Yes, nobody gets to see a male dog with a male dog. It looks abnormal. But human beings have multi-dimensional feelings and their psychology is not centred around a few social norms though this is what is required to be cultured.
    Now,I wish to point out that at one stage of life you too wanted love from same gender, just recollect your childhood when you had only friends of same sex.
    Now, think of boys who did not get this same-sex love from childhood for several factors. You have seen many boys bveing ridiculed by male peers etc, havent you? These boys get alienated from same-sex relationships at childhood, it’s not their fault.
    But many of these are the ones who would go on to have homosexual feelings at a later stage due to unfulfilled love. Does it sound abnormal to you? My explanation is explanatory I guess.
    Now, you say that u dont see dogs doing that. But then human beings are not animals- so, if something remains unsatiated, their minds trouble them hard to get that somehow and they sexualize it.
    I dont support gay porns or adultery just like I dont support aduletry of heterosex, but I just wish to point out that these feelings are due to environmental and genetic factors which can be sorted out through proper therapy. But dismissing LGBTs as worse than animals etc, can make many valuable people go into frustration and extreme depression which is not ethical for society. The remedy is to honour diversity in human sexual feelings and also address the problem through therapy rather than unrestricted sex. I just dont understand why u ppl dont get this point clear.

    • so u mean to say u didnt see male to go male.that means that ur lgbt is worse than animals.even nature is mack at u .sending curses.if there no hetrosexual who did u come?u were born by heterosexual relation maintain.okay my religion is perfect ,long ago we said dont allow wine to be sold bcoz prophet said “alchohol is mother of all evils”.look at indian govt y dont they wonder y children r being raped.these children are raped by labours ,lorry drivers who r drunk .indirectly women being are raped by indian govt.all i want to clarify first lbgt will have sex with lgbt .lateron they will torture heterosexual.if this is legalised no boy will be safe.
      i have friends of same sex bcoz i am not playboy to sex with girls before marriage like you.iam modest.i have not seen any boy been ridiculed for not having sex with same gender before marriage.love should come only through wife not from illegitimate relations.if have courage .go say infrnt of ur family tat ur lesbian y were u hiding behind a mask u should hav shown ur face

    • everyting is not genetic .supose if some1 comits adultery is tat genetic ,.wat do u say?.if som 1 robes is tat genetic.
      if u neighbour comes to know tat ur lgbt they wil certainly throw u out of society plz dont teach me ethics.ur hav some shame to say tat ur lgbt.IF SOM 1 RAPES U IS IT GENETIC .TAT HE RAPED U.THEN U SHOULDNT FILE A CASE AGAINST HIM.UR REASONING IS ABSOLUTELY FOOLISH
      TO BLAME GENES

    • LGBT COMUNITY SHOULD GO TO MENTAL HOSPITALS ON OUT SKIRTS OF CITY.THEY ABSOLUTELY UNFIT TO STAY IN SOCIETY.

    • just accept the fact tat lgbt are mentally sick.

    • i never wished to have sex with same gender .no normal person or child wishes tat.who are u to tell wat i desire in my childhood without knowing ne ting abt it.how dare u speak lies abt me?

  19. I don’t know if Hindu religion allows GLBT, but my opinion is that if it does not allow it, it should atleast not consider the victims to be heathens or as evil human beings. I like a person like TheThnkBig who seems to respect diversity of sex fanatsies but just asks ppl to control what they do in reality because they are staying in society.
    Many LGBTs and zoosexuals remain so depressed not because they dont get to do in reality, but just because they internally feel guilty for what they are fantasizing.
    If that diversity is respected, these people would be atleast able to accept themselves. Once they accept, they can get to the path of reform easily as well without going into drugs,alocholism etc, which can,lead to further ruin. Do u support my idea, TheThnkBig?

  20. ur mantra wont work bcoz hidu religion allows lgbt i have already proved it.i liked the idea of fasting wit fear of god in mind

  21. scriptures in temples like khajuraho include queer images.arent u going against ur religion ,y did u keep such photo for sex drive .cant u keep a modest 1.but ur only talking on sex ethics

  22. the idols r hardly wearing clothes

  23. the photo u kept is also depicting lust between man and woman .how com ur writing on sex drive then

  24. shocking some hindu followers say its ok .its even depicted as querr idols showing lgbt.can u quote any text from hindu scripture like how
    quran says has quoted.

  25. Dear Sonia,

    Films like Girlfriend are taken for commercial purposes feeding on the hidden want of sex and shock value in the Indian audience. They neither convey any message nor provide us with any morals for society.

    Lesbianism is one subject that Karan Razdan got to provide that skin and shock value. There were scores of films like this in the Indian cine industry.

    -TBT

  26. Dear Lipika,

    If sincerity to a partner is the measure, then sex with toys, animals, buildings, machines all need to be legalized.

    But that is not the prime measure of marriage.

    -TBT

  27. Dear Harish,

    If Hindi songs excite you, do what I have written to Rana. I am sure it would get better, if you sincerely practice it.

    If you are not becoming better consult a physician, as extreme emotional imbalances are being treated chemically these days..

    -TBT

  28. Dear Rana,

    I said mantra japa will help you balance your mind and hence one can control or more correctly regulate the desires. One can become the masters of desire and not its servant.

    Just poojas will not remove these thoughts.

    So I suggest the following:

    1. Do the mantra japa I have explained.
    2. Never keep your mind idle. If you have to be alone and have no work to do or you find you are getting diverted, start chanting the mantra (It could be any sloka). Count it and give work to your mind. Aim to reach 108.

    Once your mind starts working on it, you will have nothing else to think of.

    -TBT

  29. prophet lut(peace be upon him said :-”out of all beings in world do u come upon males”.”and leave ur wives whom lord has created for u?but u r a ppl transgressing all limits”verse no:-165-166 chapter 26
    “and we rained down upon them a shower of brimstone:how evil was the shower on those who were admonished but heeded not”chapter 26 verse no 173

  30. I generally love the Hindi romantic songs and disco type music. These make me get very excited and I sometimes imagine myself as a beautiful fairy dancing and being gazed at by guys. I get so much hypersexual and homosensual that I sometimes begin to masterbate after listening 2 songs. What is wrong with me? Am I mad,TheThnkBig? Can I improve myself with your spiritual methods? Please give suggestions.

  31. I do pujas regularly and try my level best to forget homosexual thoughts. But, often I also get very very nervous while doing the pujas. I fear that these if these pujas cannot cure me of my thoughts, I will become helpless and corrupted. And the more I fear, the less I am able to concentrate in the pujas and the more anxious and obsessed with these thoughts. Is my fear responsible for the failure, TheThnkBig?
    I just want an assurance that pujas and mental exercise can make me contol myself in future.

  32. Dear Guddi,

    Frankly we are all narcissist in a way. It only depends on the quantum.

    Marriage or for that matter any relationship means compromise. It is about what we give and not what we get. It is about commitment to ourselves, the society and our kids.

    But if our relationship currently or over a time-period seems to erode even our basic human dignity and self-respect, then we need not be part of that relationship, as it will be more dangerous. One needs to break off such relationships or otherwise they will only destroy the society.

    Step 1: Define Expectations

    I would suggest you start with defining your expectations of him.

    There are several types of expecations between man and wife. They are physical, mental, financial and security types.

    Are these expectations in line with the society and environment that your husband lived..? Are these expectations considered normal and accepted in your husband’s environment..?

    If these expectations are very normal in the society your husband lived, then there is a problem in your communication. May be you can mail him, if you think talking to him is difficult. You can pour your love out and also the issues.

    If your expectations were out-of-line with your husband’s environments, you have only you to blame for the mismatch. Either you or your husband has to change. It all depends on compromise.

    Step 2: Little changes at a time

    In either case, Life is full of compromises. Everyday we compromise with total strangers in work, street, transport etc. So we can compromise some more with our spouse and kids. There is nothing wrong.

    Adopt a two pronged strategy:

    1. Change your expectations. Modify it and adapt it to what you can really get.
    2. Push for little and discrete changes in your husband’s behavior and mannerisms in a sublime way.

    Here is the secret. Over a period every man (Indian bought up) tends to follow his wife without exception. So give time.

    Step 3: Learn and adapt

    If your husband is not meeting your Physical expectations or appears selfish in this dimension, but is able to meet you in all other dimensions, it is only an issue of adaptation or finding your own methodology. You need to be communicating either in verses or through your bodily actions when you are together, to make each other understand the mutual needs. I would say learn and adapt.

    Step 4: Cut off or Get off

    If your husband is not meeting your mental expectations also and has switched you off from mind and is a complete male chauvinist by bought up, check if he is good natured basically. Does he value relationships, wife, kids, society etc..? If yes, though he is a male chauvinist at the prime of his youth, you can easily mould him into your way over a period.

    If he is a chauvinist and also does not value anything else including his parents, society, kids etc then either move away from him and concentrate on something else that can give you satisfaction in life. Could be job, could be hobby etc.

    And let us say you have no kids, he is a chauvinist and does not value anything in life and is a machine then have a hard look at if you can pull your life together for the rest of the period. Again Err on the side of caution.

    Most males you land on may be like that. There will be males who are liberal, respectful, but then you may not like them for other reasons.

    Step 5: Fit to what you get

    Finally if you get one you will not get another. Life depends on how we make ourselves fit for what we get.

    Remember time changes everything. It even changes your expectations. It all depends on where you are in life at this moment.

    -TBT

  33. My husband says he can’t feel any love for others.He only loves himself and is also becoming an atheist. He also does not show deep love for me and is narsist. Is it harmful to stay with him? I have tried hard to convince him to do something like yoga,meditation etc, but he does not listen. He does not want to learn also to love others.
    He is only 33 but he is not at all sociable but is highly obsessed with himself. Can you give me some advice TheThnkBig?

  34. Ahmed,
    Lesbianism is not supported by any religion because people don’t understand that. But modern researchers in the Western nations are throwing light on the fact that such a thing is genetic and so it is something God given.
    And why do you say porn sites are making them gay? That is so untrue. I have heard many girls love to stay with other women rather than men because they understand one another better; here too, it’s all about love giving and not vulgar sex, for, many asexual gays don’t at all enjoy sex just like there are many heterosexuals who don’t enjoy sex too much. What about that, TheThnkBig?
    If sincerity to partner is given priority, then, don’t you think atleast the asexual homoromantics should be approved TheThnkBig?

    • ppl dont enjoy sex to much bcoz they can keep their lust in control.r u an atheist ? bcoz ur not folowing ur religion. r u human or worse than animal to hav sex with sam gender .do u hav any shame in saying the ppl should enjoy sex too much.too much is to bad.contaceptives r worst ting ever invented.

  35. TheThnkBog says that one should have sex with feelings for his partner. But I guess this is also true of homosexuals and lesbians. Many of the LGBTs are perverted narcissists with only fantasy problems but not all.
    There are some who genuinely love their same-gendered partners. Then, why is the trend still being looked down with scorn by society? People forget that not all lesbians are perverted as they are made to be. Lesbian women understand each other more than opposite sex partners. Have you seen the movie “Girlfriend”, TheThnkBig?

    • to hav sex with sam gender is looked down bcoz no 1 on earth has seen a male dog going into a male .no animal has sex with same gender if u see plz tell us.its impossibles.lgbt are ppl worse than animals

  36. Dear Lalgol,

    The biggest problem with masturbation is that, when people get used to it, they forget that sex is a method of communication and do not understand partner’s needs.

    People who have masturbated may perform sex also like masturbation on their partner without caring for partner’s desires.

    I had suggested masturbation only in case when people are unable to suppress their sex drive even after lot of mental practice and control.

    But I would say masturbation would spoil your outlook of sex and the real beauty and taste of sex, which is communication.

    -TBT

  37. Dear Lipika,

    Unless a person starts caring and understanding for others, he/she can’t enjoy anything from sex to studies.

    It dooes not need any religious or moral bend. That is the only way things can be sustainable.

    Unfortunately the methods I have mentioned have fallen into religious and moral category. But I wrote them not from a religious and moral view point. But more from sustainability and pscyhological ability.

    -TBT

  38. Well, I asked the question of mutual masterbation because maybe, that will allow one to do enjoy sex without intercourse. So, the person can curb his sexual desire and avoid the trouble of doing these methods u suggested here. I think it is brilliant idea.

  39. So, how does the homosexual person control that? Through the methods you have mentioned,here, right?
    Ok, so with these he will be able to drive the homosexual desires. But can he get the attraction and love towards opposite gender,ie., can he become heterosexual ultimately? Can he start loving his wife as all normal people do? I think he may, if he is learns to care for others by becoming religious and moral. What do you think TheBigThnkg?

  40. Dear harish,

    I said music calms our nerves and soothes us down. If you feel excited by a type of music, try a different one.

    -TBT

  41. Dear Lipika,

    A person who can control his desires will not get into homo-sexuality, even if he had that kind of sexual orientation in first place.

    -TBT

  42. Dear Lalgol,

    It is a non-sensical question that has no connection with my article

    -TBT

  43. When I listen to the romantic Hindi songs by female singers, I get more sexually aroused with romantic thoughts of my male peeers as well as women. I wish I were a woman singing the sweet song and many other disturbing sexual as well as cross-gender wishes creep into my mind.
    TheBigThinkg says music drives away sexual desires. But my case is opposite. Why so? Can you tell?

  44. You say about bachelor who knows to control his sexual lust to enhance his personality for getting a woman in future of his choice?
    What if his choice is a man and he wants to be loved by a man and does not want love from woman? What will he do with the sexual desire? Won’t he remain frustrated even if he does pujas?

  45. I think men should get a chance to touch male bodies as well as female bodies without having sexual intercourse. Mutual masterbation without intercourse is a good idea, do you support TheBigThnkg?

  46. Dear Priya,

    Just because girls can function independently, lesbianism does not get justified.

    Yes. Women need to be independent and strong. No doubt. Remember the real meaning of independence is we are in dependence on others.

    So the real meaning of independence is women will be in dependent on men and men will be in dependent on women.

    -TBT

  47. Dear Manny,

    Thanks for ur comments

    Dear Sweety,

    Good that you understood my post.

    I am not sure pure veg diet controls sexual drives. Sex is more a state of mind than state of body.

    I would vote for the techniques I have talked about.

    Any diet rich in carbohydrates and animal protein can increase sexual desires, but that does not mean veg diet reduces it.

    -TBT

  48. Dear Sonia,

    People who really understand marriage, love, sex will know how important is control in their life.

    A truly married person who loves his partner will understand the value of control in sexual desire. That is all I can say.

    -TBT

  49. Dear Lipika,

    I don’t consider sexual desires as devils.

    I had used them term with respect to adolescent individuals whose life can go astray if they get driven by sex. For eg they can run themselves amok into un-healthy sexual relationships at an age they cannot understand the consequences.

    Control of desires is needed because we need to become masters of our desire. In fact even between married couple, perfect control of sexual desire is needed if they need to really have perfect sex between them.

    And a married person who knows to control his desires can control the flow of his desires and use it with his partner to the best needs of a partner. You will understand it if you are really married or really caring for your partner.

    A bachelor who knows to control his desires can control and make sure that energy is driven into creative abilities that enrich his personality so that he can wait till he lands on a perfect woman of choice for his life.

    As for religion controlling sexual desire, try the mantra japa I have talked about even if you don’t have sexual desires. You will find that you are able to well control your impulses and emotions.

    Mental happiness does not come just because we do whatever our body or mind wants. That is like uncontrolled, unsustainable exploitation of body and mind. Our minds have tendencies to be self-destructive. It can make you a drunkard, drug-addict, chain-smoker or nymphomaniac.

    More important than mental happiness, peace of mind comes from sustainable expolitation of our body and mind for living.

    -TBT

  50. Sculptures in Hindu temples such as the one in Khajuraho are erotic and include lesbian depiction, Yusuf.

    • i dont no about hindu .if u say lesbianism is allowed in hindu .u r mocking at ur own community .iam against lgbt at all cost.as far as in islam its very very very strictly prohibited.

  51. Yes, of ocurse, giving birth to children is by sex. But that is not the only job of sex.
    You consider lesbians strange? Do you know that about 5% of people fantasize and have sexual attraction to animals? God has created such people, so if you want to blame someone, blame God.

    • god created human beings by heterosexual birth .god didnt create humans having attraction towards animals nor same sex.the lgbt community visit porn sites & thus loose their mind

  52. Dear Minu,

    If you believe Mantra Japa can control desires, then there is no need for finding out one’s sexual orientation as they will not go astray after marriage if they have control.

    I can only say it seems you have not experienced real sex. Again read my last paragraph. To enjoy sex one needs control of oneself.

    -TBT

  53. Yusuf,Lesbianism has always been there, u admit that u r an ignorant lot. It s there in all countires, all cities all villages. But it is not revealed due to society repression of women.

  54. Well, i often do the sahaja yoga n 45 min gym daily. i dont get sexual itch during these times, but at night when i wear gown, i get a sexual kink. can u give me suggestion?
    also my husband loves to wear gowns- he says he gets sex arousal on cross-dressing which he loves 2 enjoy. i allow him reluctantly but his indulgence in this way makes him get away 4m me at night, he s usually obsessed with himself in bed.
    can u help us on how 2 stay relaxed n cool at night without getting horny?

  55. Yusuf is a misogynist it seems, he says a woman is useful only to give birth to children.
    For ur kind information, many modern gals r plannin 2 live independent marriage-free lives with their frnds n adopt children. And gals r overtaking guys in all fields including high level professions. They no longer need guyz for any support. So lesbianism s not evil…

    • so many words of lov from u .glad i wonder from were u cam .if tere would hav been lesbianism .the society would be dustbin+.i dint mean girls r for giving birth .sex is for giving birth to children.

  56. Many people fantasize gay sex in bedroom but that does not mean they are drawn to do these in reality. Those who go further are mad I guess.
    This article is for those normal people who are obsessed with sexual fantasies and high sex drives, and want to control lust.
    I think eating simple veg diet is another way 2 control sexual impulses. Baba Ramdev has said so many times. What do u think TheBigThn?

  57. It s needed Sonia coz as TheBigThinkg says, true sex is for love in a married relation nothing else.
    Sex startted to become the vulgar sex of 2day when all religions claimed that sex is immoral n people began 2 become atheists.

  58. Do u know many women get sexually aroused when seeing hot actress on tv? this shows lesbianism or homo is not a myth, and many gals fall in love wid other gals though it is not seen among mammals.
    I would say yoga n meditation do help people with sexual desires 2 control themselves but is this really needed?

  59. No, Yusuf, sexual desire is not given as heterosex to all girls or to all boys. Otherwise, there would have been no LGBT.
    God created these LGBTs to curb populatiob growth.
    And who says sex is for reproduction? It is for mental relaxation and fulfillment. Just see the modern Western people.

  60. I don’t think sexual desire is a devil or that it torments people. Actually when the feelings are abnormal (like directed towards prostitutes or same gender), many people take it to be tormenting, just because society is not open to such feelings.
    But that is not the fault of sexual desire, it is the fault of Indian society which does not allow any other form of sex except marital sex saying it is illegitimate. I think people should always enjoy their sexual desires when they come and explore them fully through masterbation,fantasies and also having straight and gay sex in reality. It is healthy and leads to individual contentment.
    Also, I don’t think religion can do anything to curb sexual desire. It may go away temporarily but the mind’s desire is left unfulfilled. So, if a girl really wants to quench her sexual thirst by having sex with another girl or boy, she should be allowed to do that. It is healthy and leads to mental happiness and relaxation. By diverting the mind through religious pujas,sexual orientation and desire cant be changed.

  61. ppl can control more easily their sex desire by fasting .fasting kills lust .a right spouse is not a homosexual or a bastard to comit sex befor mariage but waits til the tim comes .sexual orientation shal be understood by proper guidance through parents not by internet fools

  62. minu , no lgbt everting is normal for u not proper human beings + if u say tis to ur mom she wil vomit + i hav already gave example of nature but ppl dont understand .y?can any woman bear child by women or man by man.sexual desires r given by god but in heterosexual form without tis tere was no need of woman in tis world.

  63. I understand that you are talking of contolling sexual desires among married people. But, why are you giving the same advice to the bachelor youngsters who want to enjoy sex? Youngsters who haven’t found their spouse yet may explore sex in a variety of ways including same-sex to determine what suits best for them. So, if they repress their sexual feelings through Mantra Japa, they won’t be able to understand their sexual orientation.
    And if they cannot find their right spouse, they will all the more get astray after marriage even though they try hard to control their desires then.

  64. Dear Minu, Yusuf,

    While hate is not going to lead us anywhere, I am not sure ‘Minu’ understands the logic explained over here.

    Many times the inability of people to communicate with each other, in particular the refusal of people to get into real understanding and analysis, turns into hate. That’s what is happening in this issue.

    Hope hate subsides and reasoning comes up in the debate.

    -TBT

  65. Yusuf,
    No, LGBT is nothing abnormal. It denotes love among humans just of a different kind. Don’t u know humans are not animals? They have a mind, they have emotions.

  66. y condoms? bcoz couples fear tat a child wil com share their dinner?+ppl becom sex addict if they use .to hav sex with same gender is complety abnormal,hav u seen any male dog with amale dog or have u seen female donkey with a female donkey .this shows lgbt need a shock treatement

  67. Dear Minu,

    I would once again request you to read the last two paragraphs of my blog again and again. And then comment.

    -TBT

  68. By propagating control of sexual desires, you are making people very traditional. In modern society, like in America, if people are making money, it is to enjoy life. So,if every desire is to be controlled, what is the use of money?

  69. Dear Minu,

    Read my blog thoroughly. I did not talk about pre-marital, extra-marital sex etc in this blog.

    It is addressed a crowd of youngsters, whom I presume would be bachelors.

    Anyway read alteast the last paragraph carefully.

    There is nothing like suppression of sexual drives. Atleast I did not talk about it.

    -TBT

  70. I don’t think there is any need to control desire to have sex with other people (other than spouse) if it is done safely using condoms. The more you suppress the sexual desires, the more harm you are causing to your mind.
    If a woman wants to have sex with women, let her do it, it’s her choice. Why should sexual drives be repressed at all?