So you are in love and planning to get married? Good! Congratulations and all the very best wishes for a happily-ever-after life!!
Life is so lovey-dovey and beautiful when we are in love. With marriage we dream of diving into an unending ocean of love and togetherness. The very idea of love and marriage is so beautiful and blissful. But truly and practically speaking marriage, particularly in today’s competitive world is not that simple. You have to work at it constantly to keep it fresh and smoothly moving, like a car needs regular care and servicing to run for long. All married relationships are not happily-ever-afters.
It is easy to fall in love but difficult to remain in love forever.
Love is all romance and marriage is a responsibility. When two different individuals from different backgrounds live together difference of opinion on basic things of life like spending habits, career, child upbringing , sharing household responsibilities etc. can naturally be there. Responsibilities and circumstances change with time. It keeps testing our love and ego. After a few years, when romance is replaced by responsibilities, and physical attractiveness of the partners is also waning, you will have to broaden your outlook to accept all the life’s natural changes and find happiness in whatever you do for your spouse and family. Love, respect and concern for the spouse should become habit.
Basic rules of Happy Married Life
There are certain basic rules of marriage which we must understand and follow, to stay together happily.
Understanding and adjusting
Everything that shines is not gold and everything that does not shine is not something worthless either! As you live together you get to know more about the person, what s/he is actually like. We cannot always judge a person’s real nature/character from his/her speech, dress or general behavior in public. A suave, sophisticated, attractive person may not be that kind-hearted or hard working in personal life. Whereas a rustic looking person may be having a golden heart and a much practical, real approach towards life. Such hidden traits reveal gradually as we live together. They give us the reasons to make an effort to stay together.
Try to explore your spouses childhood, the environment, values and dreams which have shaped them to what they are today. An understanding of the past helps in understanding your spouse better. And when you love her/him you instinctively/voluntarily try to adjust to the likes and dislikes of the other person. Adjustment comes out of love. You adjust because you want to see your spouse happy and his/her happiness automatically makes you happy.
Giving and sharing
Marriage is a way of the Almighty to balance this world by bringing together the opposites – man and woman. While women are stronger in certain aspects, men are stronger in certain other aspects of life. Both have weaknesses too. One’s strength gives support to the other. Marriage is sharing these strengths and weaknesses and helping each other in sailing through life.
Marriage is the giving and sharing of one’s love, respect, care, dreams, pains, happiness, everything.
If you feel proud and rejoice at your spouse’s success, you also share the pain of his/her failure by trying your best to help them to bounce back to life and not succumb to failure. The invisible bonding of love and marriage shows in such small gestures like refusing to have a tasty meal offered by your friend when your spouse is waiting for lunch at home.
The giving and sharing should not be limited to the spouse alone. It should extend to your extended family too, to make the marriage stronger.
We certainly need to share everything in marriage, but respecting personal space is also important. We all sometimes feel the need to be with ourselves, to be able to be able to shape our dreams, pursue some hobby in which the spouse may not necessarily be interested. While we allow each other personal space,there should not be anything to hide. Secrecy will ruin any relation. Same is with friend circles. With different jobs and interests, spouses generally have a common friend circle as well as a circle which they enjoy alone, without the spouse. This is quite okay if you respect your married relation and are loyal to your spouse.
You grow with the person and you also influence the person you live with, but you cannot change an adult person to exactly what you want.
Let the person be what s/he is and accept unconditionally.
If you keep finding fault and criticizing, your spouse will either fall prey to inferiority complex or find respect outside home. When you accept your spouse as s/he is, it becomes easier to adjust and with time you get used to everything. It becomes a habit to cherish the positives of your spouse and overlook and forget the minor negatives.
Give up being obstinate/ rigid
I cannot be always be right, and even when I am right but my spouse is adamant, it is wiser to keep quite to maintain peace.
If you allow time, it often makes us realize our fault, may be sometime later.
Being always obstinate and not willing to adjust and accept your partner’s viewpoint is a sign your superiority complex which is harmful. Spouses have to balance each other. For this they may have to bow down to the other’s wish. Try to understand the other’s viewpoint with an open mind and explain yours in a friendly, unconfrontational manner.
Forgiving and forgetting
It is difficult to imagine a situation where two people living together never ever disagree. Disagreements and hurts do happen. Look at the bigger picture, the long term relationship and responsibilities.Try to forgive and forget. Think of the good things you share together and ignore the petty differences.
Realize the value of being in a relationship
Cherish your togetherness; cherish the role your spouse plays in your child’s upbringing; cherish the security you get from the relationship and cherish all the happy moments you spend as husband and wife and as family. You may be your own boss as a single person. But a companion certainly makes life happier and easier, even if it means giving up some of your freedom.
Have the urge to protect the relationship
Tell yourself that you need and intend to have a long-term, peaceful relationship and for that you will make every effort to accept, adjust, forgive, forget and sort out problems amicably. When you ponder on and realize the importance of being in the relationship, you develop this urge to protect it as well. If you have arguments with your spouse, there’s no harm in stepping back a little to protect the marriage and family. If there are temptations outside marriage, remind yourself of all the good times and comforts your spouse has given you. Check yourself in time to save your marriage and family. You can have as many acquaintances of the opposite sex, but no such close friendships where you share your intimate personal details.
Place yourself in your partner’s place and feel his/her emotions.
Whatever be the case, always tell yourself that this is the person whom you will spend all your life with. Focus on the long term goal.
Marriage is an adventure and both partners are a companion and mystery for each other to explore. This mystery unravels gradually. Not only does it unravel, but in doing so, unknowingly we bond with each other in spite of all the likes and dislikes. Then a stage comes, when you look back and find that both of you have changed so much. And more surprisingly, you will find that both of you have learnt from each other and adopted each other’s traits too. That’s the real amazing truth about love and marriage.
The thing to remember is that you need to constantly work on your relation. Renew and refresh it.
When you get used to each other and the excitement of having and watching a little baby grow and become independent also wanes, life and relation becomes somewhat dull. Its then time to rekindle the romance of early days by going out together for long drives, picnics, dinners, movies etc.