Interview With Praj Thappadein.. Just Plain Fiction

I got a job at “The Leading Daily” with hopes that I would be interviewing the likes of J.K. Rowling or Emma Watson or Aishwarya Rai, but I get dumb-ass (I really don’t use that word! Except in my thoughts!) Praj Thappadein, a racist leader of a Maharashtra political party called DNS, for my first interview.

Excerpts from the interview (before it was edited out by the editor):

Me (i.e Interviewer): Mr. Thappadein! People harbor a lot of misconceptions about your party. They call it a racist party. Whom would you blame for that?

Praj Thappadein: If you want to take my Interview, talk in Marathi boy! this is Maharashtra, not some Western whitey-infested country. You whites are slime-balls.

This is an Indian newspaper in English I am taking your interview for. And I am not white, just fair.

One and the same. You ain’t Marathi. End of story.

Please Mr. Thappadein, my question to you is: People harbor a lot of misconceptions about your party. They call it a racist party. Whom would you blame for that?

Racisty party? Come on, Isn’t there the MIM for the Muslims? So why call my innocent party a racist party? We are not going around slapping up black bitches.. or white ones, for that matter. (Although whites should be, because they are English. And English is not Marathi. And anything that is not Marathi should burn.) And I will surely blame you, the media, for mis-portrayal of my party. After all, we are Marathas and proud to be.

Is “going around slapping up black bitches” the only act of racism? And what colour do you think you are?

Yes, of course. Are you a school drop-out or something? Two races: White and black. White make slaves of Black. Abraham Lincoln save Black. Remember? As for your other question, I am wheatish in colour, sort of on the white side. Nice complexion, don’t you think?

You blame the media for mis-portrayal of DNS. What detail of your party has not been reported correctly? The beating up of non-Marathi people in Maharashtra or slapping Babu Bazmi up for taking his oath in Hindi?

Boy, you sure have some tough questions up your sleeve. Better not put that line on record, hmm?

Maharashtra belongs to the Marathis. We cannot let the great sacrifice of Shivaji go in vain. Just because we Marathis do not like people snatching our bread from right under our noses, it doesn’t mean we are racists! What would you do if you found cockroaches in your house? You would stamp them out, right?

As for the Babu Bazmi incident, my party workers did nothing. They only demanded for the oath to be taken in Marathi (just as I had dictated earlier), which Babu Bazmi did not, thus insulting Marathi. So he had to bear the consequences. I mean, if we don’t demand for Marathi in Maharashtra, where else will we? Spain?

Just off the record, I enjoyed watching Babu Bazmi being slapped up. Had a good laugh for more than two hours. The poor mouse finished in Hindi after all. Hrrumph!

Are you aware that your party workers also manhandled a woman Assembly worker? Is that what Marathi pride dictates?

Yeah! The woman should have minded her own business! I mean, what kind of sane bitch would jump into the middle of a cattle stampede! Of course we apologised. Marathi pride dictates that one apologise when one hurts another, even (un)intentionally.

Have you got anything to say on the subject of the suspension of four of your senior party leaders (including Pinde) for this act?

Yes. The speaker does not know who he is dealing with. We are Marathis! I swear by Shivaji’s sword and his beard that if I don’t get the speaker suspended (or worse) I will rename myself Raj Thackeray.

The four leaders have fought for upholding the Marathi pride. They will earn their due. As if I hadn’t instructed them to do what they did. Ha ha!

What about India as a whole? What about Indians? Are you not dividing people up into Marathis, Biharis, Gujaratis? At this rate there would be no Indians left?

Hey did you learn nothing at school? A poli-trick was taught in third grade, I think, that always works. It is the core aim of every politician from every political party. Divide and Rule baby!